11/22/12

Things that I am thankful for.

One thing that I am thankful for is not harming anyone or anything during my nightly booze cruise. I look back on the stupid things I have done and now understand why I should not do them anymore. My never ending desire to seek happiness through vices was not adequate enough to fulfill myself. An alternative route to living in prosperity was destined for me to unravel and now, I found a way to live it. All those ‘so-called fun’ was short-lived even though I somewhat miss it, I assured myself that I will not do that again. I am very thankful for the fact that I am alive and well.  

I should be thankful for others who want to give in return. I never accept. I only give, help, and/or listen. Growing up, I was labeled as ‘most generous’ student. Even though it was not me who was giving, it was all my parents doing. Back then, my parents would take fruits or rice as payments from their patients who could not afford paying their bills, it was okay for them. I kind of took that occurrence as a way to live my life. I like to do things for others but not ask for anything in return. My principle does not really make sense. I am pretty sure that I have given away so much while growing up. People still owe me many things/favors. I just end up forgetting about it and not caring much for it. I have to thank everyone for being nice to me in return at least. So, thank you. And I should try to be more considerate of what others can do for me. This is going to be tough.

Thanksgiving was not an occasion that we observed while growing up. I guess that was because while living in the Philippines, Filipinos are thankful for everything. We live life everyday while giving thanks and prayers to each other, in a sense. I first celebrated thanksgiving with my parents at my uncle’s house back in 1996. I thought it was only about food and I loved it. I don’t think we are celebrating it this year. For some reason it was not planned at all. I am thankful for my secondary family, my uncle’s. They helped me go through many things in life. I am where I am now because of them.

Of course, I will never leave out my very own family. My sister Vanessa, thank you for being my best friend since we were young. I always remember myself as being mean to her but slowly; I remember how much of a team we were. I look out for her.  When we last met, we reminisced on how bratty we were. We fought because we wanted what each other had and we end up sharing them anyways. We laughed about it. I never got to see her grow up. Our life together was shortened because of my move here in the U.S. All I want now is to make it up to her but it is different now.  My brother Julius, thank you for making life a challenge. For trying to lead me academically, religiously, and also for being an example on how mom and dad want their children to grow up and become. You truly inspired me to study harder, reach out to reality and live life to the fullest. I admire your accomplishments and was trying to match it at one point but decided to let it be since you were always the smartest one of the bunch.  My loving mom and dad, both of you have nurtured me from the get go.  My mama, thank you for always having me in your mind and in your heart.  I always listened to whatever she was telling me. I may sound like a rebel while I was growing up but I do believed and understood her ways and beliefs. I did rely on her many times before but I wanted to show her how I grown up I was. I still feel like I have to prove myself but I should know better. I cannot win because I still have many things to learn. My papa, thank you for being there to show me how I can be strong like you. I never had a comic superhero while growing up. I looked up to my dad. He was and still is my superdad. Being strong is difficult moments is what my dad is good at. I admire that trait and still do act it out. He has such a strong façade, so to say…  I was scared of him when I was young. Always afraid of being scolded, but he would only gaze at me with those glaring eyes whenever I was doing something foolish. I knew when I was doing something wrong because he was that firm of a father to know what is right and what was wrong. I know that time have passed and everyone has grown older but I assure you that I have all of them close to my heart. I love my family and I thank them for guiding me and helping me become who I am now. I just wish that we were closer together so I can fill in the gap that was missing for the last thirteen years. 

11/15/12 Day 69 since i last drank alcohol. I have endured this longevity of sobriety and will continue to do so. i am quite impressed with myself to be able to keep up with this ordeal and i have been getting a lot of support among my peers in regards to my sudden change of lifestyle and I, myself, am very glad that I did it. In the midst of all the changes happening within and around me, I find myself puzzled of who or what I am or was. What I’m trying to say is that is it too late to reinvent myself?... I mean, am I supposed to figure out who I am by taking away drinking from my life? at one point, my thirst and my desires was a constant reminder of how my life was not going anywhere, stuck on the same spot while my vices drags me down and back to where I was. I was starting to feel that change is hopeless at the time. Luckily, I saw an opportunity to bounce back and live positively and finally took the chance for a change. I think at this point of time, I am comfortable enough to say that I have not found my true self, my true potential, the real me… I seem to stroll along this fine line that I call life on cruise control because I do not even know what I want, what I need, who I am, and or what I should be doing. It is funny that my frustration leads to this. For now, all I want is to figure it out. I have to start taking a grasp of my own destiny. It is kind of a broad ideal, to be able to figure out what I am destined to be. I think it is because i have just seen Batman’s latest movie and he seem to have it all figured out. I want to be like that. Know what I want, what my true bliss in life is. A bat cave! Maybe it pertains to my very own house. A bat car, I have that. Bat girl? Not really getting any luck with that neither. How about a multi-billion dollar investment? NOPE, don’t have that also. I think I am shooting kind of high on my own destiny. But still I feel inspired. From now on, I will look up to Bruce Wayne. Moving on with life and current activities. i have recently witnessed one of the most inspiring raw talent in music that i have ever heard. Mumford and Sons. i have never felt a musician's feelings, charisma, and strength until i saw them perform live. this made me even more impressed, intrigued even, with the two albums that i have neglected within my playlist for quite some time now. never knew how a band can hold me down where i was at as i stand and sing in awe while freezing in the middle of the night in hollywood bowl. i felt moved, a sudden reminder of books i have read in my freshmen year in highschool came across my mind. Grapes of Wrath by steinbeck was one of them. i would not think of a band from the UK with the style of music that originates in the US but they somehow can pull it off gracefully.

kinda hard to look towards the bright side when life is just throwing misery and hardships in my direction. but alas, things are finally looking good. highlights of my life: -27 days of sobriety. -3 weeks of getting in shape. -new mind set, cleanse, reset, restart. it has been almost a month since i decided to renew my lifestyle and i find myself motivated to continue on and press forward. it is different now that i am enduring these changes, i feel brand new all of a sudden. knowing that more challenges will try to hold me back, i am sure that i can persevere. in life, i know that there will always be hardships and pain but in spite of all that, i must focus more on myself and well being. family is what matters most and my cousin helped me focus on being positive and as well as distracting myself with more important matters. i started working out. seriously sticking to a routine that beats the living heck out of me. i did not realize how expensive being fit and healthy is. but then again, i used up a good amount of my well earned money in my own deterioration. now all i can think of is self preservation. staying away from the negativity in life. i do admit that i still reminisce about the good old times spent in indulging myself with vices, bad habits and what not. "FUN" was what i called it. living right is fun also. i just hoped that more of my friends are on board with it. that's the way life goes, changes will lead to something new.

Day 10 it's been 10 days since my last drink. i feel, great. i feel like i have to continue this progression. i am too young to be a drunkard. the need for something new sparks in my mind and through being sober, i have realized how good it feels to not have a hang over on a busy day at work. it not as bad as i thought it would be. this is actually something that i used to do. as bad as a habit it may be, i think those days were there as my only means of bliss. a tiny fragment of happiness that kept on fueling my drive to continue work the next day. i was looking for trouble and i somehow overcame it. at times, i was not sure about how life would be without drinking but now it just a reminder that at times, i really am a mess. i wonder how my past would be if i had not indulged myself in a "liquid diet" or a "shot's only" kind of night. are friends even allowed to get mad at a friend for not drinking. i can understand that it feels weird to not surround myself with such friends whom i was drinking with but it does feel nostalgic thinking about those days. it has not been that long since my last but for sure i can move on. stay strong and push forward. i have to get away and stay away as long as i can... never looking back. goodnight world.

this is me. i think the only difference of who i am here, on facebook, on messenger, or on my text messages....is that i can be me. in person, it's a whole different ordeal. i am constantly in fear of how people will think of me. from what i say, do, think.. it's sort of a mind game for me every time i meet someone new. i forget how it is to mingle. how to have fun without involving drinking. i seem boring sober. i can actually live a day without interacting with anyone. i tend to keep things to myself even though i am surrounded with beautiful and very interesting people. i guess i can say that i am a part of an audience when it comes to social gathering. i listen, think, and wonder, as a party progress. i chat only when chatted to. starting a conversation is very tricky for me. for sure, i am a fool for not even trying but what i am getting at is that i just hate the feeling of rejection. life is full of awkward moments and sometimes i am in the middle of it. most of the time, i laugh it off, or ends it with a shot or two. i can be funny sometimes, i even laugh at my own jokes. now, the shot or two pertains to my tendencies to love drinking. i must admit that i am somewhat, an alcoholic. if you were to ask me what my favorite past time activity was, i would say drinking. well, what is an alcoholic? i love drinking "socially", but i avoid drinking on my days off. i love drinking after work, in a bar, but at home..i would rather sleep. might be a habit that i have procured through the tough times of being a cook within this industry. "how hard is it to cook?" you may ask. not hard at all. i find it pleasantly easy to cook and create food that would be enjoyed by many of whom i do not even know. how awesome is that. but as soon as i get off work, i feel the urge to drink. and when i drink, i binge, and when i binge, i just become careless. let me correct that, "carefree". difference between the two, carefree describes being without worry while careless describes not being careful. i love the feeling of not worrying. i can say that i worry too much. but things i worry about are physical things, work, bills, etc. i should worry more about myself and my family. a lot of distractions are taking me away from the one thing that i should care about, my well-being. i want to refresh myself in a way that i can begin to understand me. maybe this is the new me. i can still change...

i am still here.

it does makes sense, people move on because there is something out there. i feel like i need to venture out. reach out..and see things that everyone should see.

another chapter of my life has ended today, sounds sad but its true. i have to wake up and start a new one. this is difficult to begin with however change is necessary. for one to continue experiencing life, one should not live in a shell, or in a sheltered environment. i really dont get that. i think my life is adeuate enough for my experiences, im not an ALL OUT type of guy. i love the simplicity of life. "the simple kind of life". yet i reach out to RAGE, to fun, to excitement, to all the things i normally dont know how to do. i have been through quite a troublesome month. and i must say that my perseverance have never been as strong as how it was before. i feel tired from all the things im going through yet i satisfy my tiredness with desperate acts of fun and excitement. i cant ever show how my true self is but i am continuing to show my fun side because i can care less about it. my whole facade is about being fun, having energy, and showing how much i love what i do. but in certain instances i feel like i should take my mind off of that and fix who i am. im growing old and im still insecure, i feel left out when i wasnt, i try my best when its not necessary, and so on. man im not sure if im happy anymore. why.

back once again

its been a year since my last post, nothing much have changed and life is still great. i just want to make sure that my life is still documented within this blog. my last post was full of anger, hurt feelings, and who knows what. i was probably bored at the time and nothing came out of these fingers to write. for the most part, i've been doing great. life is chill. i've been trying to figure out things to do for my days off. from taking our pets out, to having fun for ourselves, lately i've been drawing blanks from my mind. dont really know how to spend my free time other than sleeping, spending money, or just frustrating on things that just doesnt really matter. maybe i should just let go sometime and have fun. but with fun out of the way, there are a lot of consequences. i try to have fun after i finish a task. but sometimes such tasks gets in the way of fun. what can i do. hmm. i know its a cycle. but oh well. there will be more things for me to write. but for now. farewell.

ouch!

so today, i cut myself, my right pointing finger and my middle finger. didnt realize that i cut myself til the blood came spilling out. knowing that i was very busy at the time i jumped out and told my sous chef that i was bailing out for a bit. "im bleeding damnit!!!" leaving the kitchen for about 10 minutes while tryin to stop the bleeding, i realized that i cut myself out of carelessness. thinkin about about something maybe...and tonight i realized what that was.....i've been doin the things that leads me to who i am nowadays.....im a fool for believing that the world evolves around me..yet in reality, i evolve within the people around me. i am who am i now because of who im around. pointing that out makes me feel like i dont really know myself..which is true in some instances......like now, knowing that i am drunk...i drove myself home,, hoping that i wouldnt make it..its fucked up how i think about it that way...but what the hell..who really cares????? just me right...i care about myself..and myself only..i should survive for myself and not for someone else.....i mean..the only way to true happiness is knowing yourself..and that i think at this point of my life..i better fucken find myself before i end up getting hurt or hurting someone else.. well.. right now....i better find myself to help me figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. my fingers are numb. fuck!.

seaport village

moving on with life, i found myself having fun on a not so gloomy day of february. it started off with a slow pace but progressed pretty well unto a fine, fun filled day. its been ages since i had fun. i mean work is fun and all but today was different. well yes i was with a friend from work. but still nothing work related.

me and my friend andrea decided to go to seaport village in downtown san diego. well i pretty much made that decision but it all worked out. we enjoyed lunch at the harbor cafe, i think thats what it was called. not bad for seafood, taste-wise, but pretty pricy. we enjoyed it though. we bought hats! i dont know why but there are certain types of hats that works with me. and they are the once that you would not normally see in public. like a top hat, and this one flannel hat with ear muffs. anyways that was cool. im not that big with bizzare hats that i got myself one and it was pretty random of me to get it. after the hats, we got cookies. too sweet for me but i still got some. we headed back to dre's place, she cooked enchiladas and red rice. it was very delicious. i enjoyed it with her friend dan. leutenant dan. funny guy. we drank 40's of budlight. i drank about 2. man that was good. i never drank a 40 in my life but man that was cheap. and i drank them all. while watching super troopers. and then i drove home and had a jog with paws. lasted about 20 minutes and headed back home. now i lay here listening to mellow music while revisiting my life. and now once again writing about it.

its fun when i go out. taking my mind away from my fears, obsessions, procrastinations, work, issues, being insomniac, and etc. on my days off, i normally end up bugging people to go out with no success, or i would find myself driving towards my cousins knowing that they do nothing but study, play video games, watch tv and or movies. but today was different, i was really looking forward to hanging out, exploring san diego, and we did.

i figured i would write about this and many more events in my life since i have not updated this blog for a while. plus maybe, only maybe, i might still have readers out there interested in my life. i am currently working on ways to improve myself and my life. so from this point on i will be once again be active writing-wise. hope this lasts for a while since when boredome hits i really have nothing else to do.

changes

for the past two months, i have accomplished so many things and also faced many changes that i ever had in my life. to start off, i have purchased a car. an infiniti g20t, the car of my dream and now i actually own it. i also managed to pass my driving test, the test that i have been procrastinating about for the past 4 years. when i got my license in the mail, i felt relieved that finally i can make a difference in my life. it felt like a thousand pounds of weight was lifted off of my shoulder. the first thing i did was take my car from my uncle's and drive it to my new apartment and on that night, i moved everything i had from the old apartment to the new one.

i moved out by the way. liz moved back to the bay area. i have decided to stay. knowing that things will change, i faced it head on..

i have a new roomate. one of the most cheerful person that i know. her name is amy, a co-worker of mine. she is talented, funny, sweet, one of a kind, and almost like my best friend but not. it is different with her around the condo. the vibe is always chill. her presence just changes my mood. overall she is like the friend i have always been looking for and she found me.