11/22/12

Things that I am thankful for.

One thing that I am thankful for is not harming anyone or anything during my nightly booze cruise. I look back on the stupid things I have done and now understand why I should not do them anymore. My never ending desire to seek happiness through vices was not adequate enough to fulfill myself. An alternative route to living in prosperity was destined for me to unravel and now, I found a way to live it. All those ‘so-called fun’ was short-lived even though I somewhat miss it, I assured myself that I will not do that again. I am very thankful for the fact that I am alive and well.  

I should be thankful for others who want to give in return. I never accept. I only give, help, and/or listen. Growing up, I was labeled as ‘most generous’ student. Even though it was not me who was giving, it was all my parents doing. Back then, my parents would take fruits or rice as payments from their patients who could not afford paying their bills, it was okay for them. I kind of took that occurrence as a way to live my life. I like to do things for others but not ask for anything in return. My principle does not really make sense. I am pretty sure that I have given away so much while growing up. People still owe me many things/favors. I just end up forgetting about it and not caring much for it. I have to thank everyone for being nice to me in return at least. So, thank you. And I should try to be more considerate of what others can do for me. This is going to be tough.

Thanksgiving was not an occasion that we observed while growing up. I guess that was because while living in the Philippines, Filipinos are thankful for everything. We live life everyday while giving thanks and prayers to each other, in a sense. I first celebrated thanksgiving with my parents at my uncle’s house back in 1996. I thought it was only about food and I loved it. I don’t think we are celebrating it this year. For some reason it was not planned at all. I am thankful for my secondary family, my uncle’s. They helped me go through many things in life. I am where I am now because of them.

Of course, I will never leave out my very own family. My sister Vanessa, thank you for being my best friend since we were young. I always remember myself as being mean to her but slowly; I remember how much of a team we were. I look out for her.  When we last met, we reminisced on how bratty we were. We fought because we wanted what each other had and we end up sharing them anyways. We laughed about it. I never got to see her grow up. Our life together was shortened because of my move here in the U.S. All I want now is to make it up to her but it is different now.  My brother Julius, thank you for making life a challenge. For trying to lead me academically, religiously, and also for being an example on how mom and dad want their children to grow up and become. You truly inspired me to study harder, reach out to reality and live life to the fullest. I admire your accomplishments and was trying to match it at one point but decided to let it be since you were always the smartest one of the bunch.  My loving mom and dad, both of you have nurtured me from the get go.  My mama, thank you for always having me in your mind and in your heart.  I always listened to whatever she was telling me. I may sound like a rebel while I was growing up but I do believed and understood her ways and beliefs. I did rely on her many times before but I wanted to show her how I grown up I was. I still feel like I have to prove myself but I should know better. I cannot win because I still have many things to learn. My papa, thank you for being there to show me how I can be strong like you. I never had a comic superhero while growing up. I looked up to my dad. He was and still is my superdad. Being strong is difficult moments is what my dad is good at. I admire that trait and still do act it out. He has such a strong façade, so to say…  I was scared of him when I was young. Always afraid of being scolded, but he would only gaze at me with those glaring eyes whenever I was doing something foolish. I knew when I was doing something wrong because he was that firm of a father to know what is right and what was wrong. I know that time have passed and everyone has grown older but I assure you that I have all of them close to my heart. I love my family and I thank them for guiding me and helping me become who I am now. I just wish that we were closer together so I can fill in the gap that was missing for the last thirteen years. 

11/15/12 Day 69 since i last drank alcohol. I have endured this longevity of sobriety and will continue to do so. i am quite impressed with myself to be able to keep up with this ordeal and i have been getting a lot of support among my peers in regards to my sudden change of lifestyle and I, myself, am very glad that I did it. In the midst of all the changes happening within and around me, I find myself puzzled of who or what I am or was. What I’m trying to say is that is it too late to reinvent myself?... I mean, am I supposed to figure out who I am by taking away drinking from my life? at one point, my thirst and my desires was a constant reminder of how my life was not going anywhere, stuck on the same spot while my vices drags me down and back to where I was. I was starting to feel that change is hopeless at the time. Luckily, I saw an opportunity to bounce back and live positively and finally took the chance for a change. I think at this point of time, I am comfortable enough to say that I have not found my true self, my true potential, the real me… I seem to stroll along this fine line that I call life on cruise control because I do not even know what I want, what I need, who I am, and or what I should be doing. It is funny that my frustration leads to this. For now, all I want is to figure it out. I have to start taking a grasp of my own destiny. It is kind of a broad ideal, to be able to figure out what I am destined to be. I think it is because i have just seen Batman’s latest movie and he seem to have it all figured out. I want to be like that. Know what I want, what my true bliss in life is. A bat cave! Maybe it pertains to my very own house. A bat car, I have that. Bat girl? Not really getting any luck with that neither. How about a multi-billion dollar investment? NOPE, don’t have that also. I think I am shooting kind of high on my own destiny. But still I feel inspired. From now on, I will look up to Bruce Wayne. Moving on with life and current activities. i have recently witnessed one of the most inspiring raw talent in music that i have ever heard. Mumford and Sons. i have never felt a musician's feelings, charisma, and strength until i saw them perform live. this made me even more impressed, intrigued even, with the two albums that i have neglected within my playlist for quite some time now. never knew how a band can hold me down where i was at as i stand and sing in awe while freezing in the middle of the night in hollywood bowl. i felt moved, a sudden reminder of books i have read in my freshmen year in highschool came across my mind. Grapes of Wrath by steinbeck was one of them. i would not think of a band from the UK with the style of music that originates in the US but they somehow can pull it off gracefully.