this is me. i think the only difference of who i am here, on facebook, on messenger, or on my text messages....is that i can be me. in person, it's a whole different ordeal. i am constantly in fear of how people will think of me. from what i say, do, think.. it's sort of a mind game for me every time i meet someone new. i forget how it is to mingle. how to have fun without involving drinking. i seem boring sober. i can actually live a day without interacting with anyone. i tend to keep things to myself even though i am surrounded with beautiful and very interesting people. i guess i can say that i am a part of an audience when it comes to social gathering. i listen, think, and wonder, as a party progress. i chat only when chatted to. starting a conversation is very tricky for me. for sure, i am a fool for not even trying but what i am getting at is that i just hate the feeling of rejection. life is full of awkward moments and sometimes i am in the middle of it. most of the time, i laugh it off, or ends it with a shot or two. i can be funny sometimes, i even laugh at my own jokes. now, the shot or two pertains to my tendencies to love drinking. i must admit that i am somewhat, an alcoholic. if you were to ask me what my favorite past time activity was, i would say drinking. well, what is an alcoholic? i love drinking "socially", but i avoid drinking on my days off. i love drinking after work, in a bar, but at home..i would rather sleep. might be a habit that i have procured through the tough times of being a cook within this industry. "how hard is it to cook?" you may ask. not hard at all. i find it pleasantly easy to cook and create food that would be enjoyed by many of whom i do not even know. how awesome is that. but as soon as i get off work, i feel the urge to drink. and when i drink, i binge, and when i binge, i just become careless. let me correct that, "carefree". difference between the two, carefree describes being without worry while careless describes not being careful. i love the feeling of not worrying. i can say that i worry too much. but things i worry about are physical things, work, bills, etc. i should worry more about myself and my family. a lot of distractions are taking me away from the one thing that i should care about, my well-being. i want to refresh myself in a way that i can begin to understand me. maybe this is the new me. i can still change...